I long to belong.

Have you ever felt like you were made for something big?  Something BIGGER than what you have?

I had a friend named Nathan. He was my husbands roommate for a while and my tenant.  He was a Marine Reservist.  He lived and breathed Marine life.  He would cook a big pot of spaghetti, mix in a jar of sauce and eat out of it for a few days....from the stovetop.  That spaghetti didn't need refrigeration, no sir, it just needed a thorough reheat to kill bacteria.  We gave him a mattress, he slept next to it on the floor.  He kept MRE's in the kitchen...and ate them on a regular basis.  He had found something to live for.

He couldn't wait to be called to war, was disappointed every time his unit was passed by.  But he finally got his chance.  He was called.  He couldn't wait to go to San Diego for training.

Life went on, he would call and tell Josh all about preparation in San Diego, how he had been promoted to Lance Corporal, how he had learned the language, he had found his fulfillment.

Nathan came to visit us before shipping out.  He came by the house, left his extra supplies, and said goodbye.  I remember giving him a big hug in the living room and all of the sudden it hit me and I said, "Oh my gosh Nathan, this could be the last time I see you!"  He laughed and said, "Nah, don't say that Tarah, I'll be back."   And then he was gone, off to another world.  He loved the children in Iraq, loved the people.  Loved the purpose he had there.

In the meantime our lives went on.   We were newlyweds, settling into our futures and I became pregnant with our first child.  One afternoon I was driving home from my favorite place, the library.  I had just turned out onto Elm Place and was listening to AM radio when I heard the news.  A local Marine had been killed in Iraq, "Cpl. Nathaniel T Hammond was killed today by an IED."

I was shocked.

And then I was at the same house where I had last seen him and my husband walked in and began to weep and we cried together in the same place where Nathan and I had said our last goodbyes.  Then there was the doorbell and the news was at our home.  We gave a short interview and I said Nathan had  given his life the way he would have chosen.  He had found what he was searching for, something bigger than himself to be apart of.

http://militarytimes.com/valor/marine-cpl-nathaniel-t-hammond/499407

I think we are all looking for that very thing, something bigger than us, better than our intentions, stronger than our own frailties.   And we are wanting to join ourselves to it so that our lives are not as inconspicuous and forgetful as we are afraid they could be.

We join ourselves to a cause, to global warming, to gay rights, animal rights, human trafficking, whatever we like, and then hope, if only to ourselves, that we are important.

But this is a lie, the cause can never make us significant because a cause is manmade and that in and of itself makes it faulty.  A cause can never be perfect or even good because mankind is neither perfect nor good!  Even when the cause is divinely ordained, it is still prone to the human weaknesses and imperfections of its human leadership.  We can only expect disappointment when we put our hopes in a man-run organization.

We cannot be found in a cause, we can only be found in our Maker.  He gave his only son for us, and that sacrifice makes us significant.  Do you believe that a perfect man, Jesus, would die for someone who was good?  Who is worthy enough?  He didn't, he died for us, for you and me, with all of our imperfections, and in doing so has given us worth.

He knew our addictions, our evil thoughts, our impure motives, our longing for satisfaction.  He saw our greed, our ill intent, our dirty desires.

He hung there bloody, his skin torn from his body, his face swollen beyond human recognition, naked, with a mocking audience yelling at him.  He witnessed our rejection, our betrayal of him and he did it anyway.  Because he loves us that much and HE thinks we are worth his life.  wow.

Us...worth his life.

I cannot fathom that grace. And I surely can't live up to it.  I can only receive it, and say, "Thank You, Thank You sir.  You have my life, HELP ME!!!!  Help me to live it as You wish, and in doing so, finally belong."

Me, considering moose advocacy.